⁣Wants to make love⁣Wants to make loveWants to make Love from Ariyan Habib's blog

The wounded self in many people has learned to use sex addictively - to get love, avoid pain, and feel safe.

This can create many problems in relationships and in society in general. A person acting from his or her wounded self who wants power and control may sexually abuse both children and adults. A person in a relationship operating from the wounded self, who has learned to use sex as a form of validation may be sexually demanding to the point that his or her partner feels used, controlled and invaded. The partner at the other end of an insecure and sexually demanding partner often finds himself or herself completely turned off sexually in the relationship.

I have often worked with women who have sex with a man, not because she feels great desire, but in the hopes of getting him to love her and stay in the relationship. Invariably, this backfires and she ends up feeling betrayed. Yet she has betrayed herself by using sex as a form of control.

Many people in relationships believe that the other person is responsible for his or her feelings, including taking care of sexual feelings. If you believe that it is your partner's "duty" to take care of your sexual needs, this can create a problem in relationships. Sex that comes from duty rather than love is not satisfying. When one partner complies and performs his or her "duty", the relationship may gradually erode to the point of falling apart. No one likes to feel used, especially sexually, so it is never advisable to have sex out of duty or to expect your partner to have sex out of duty.

Some people have a deep need to be held, a need for mothering.

Sometimes people sexualize this need and have sex in an effort to meet this need. This never works, as the inner child needs mothering, NOT sex. In fact, the inner child may feel violated when the wounded self uses sex to get affection.

Sex may temporarily take away feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness, and aloneness, but it is very temporary. Just as the inner child will not feel loved if you used food, drugs or alcohol to avoid responsibility for your feelings, neither will your inner child feel loved when you use sex addictively.

Healthy sexually comes from love and intimacy between two people. People who love each other do not want the other person to have sex when it is not what he or she wants to do. People who are taking responsibility for their own feelings have sex for the joy and pleasure of expressing their love for each othe