google_user_54576's blog

What is love? One of the most frequently asked questions and one that many people have thousands of answers to is. No one can really define it. Many have tried to describe it based on a feeling they experience, but we can tell you this: Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision that we make.

Love, unlike feelings, do not come and go; love stays and commits itself to one person through the good and through the bad. Without commitment, love ceases to exist. A commitment filled love is what differentiates relationships that fall apart when times get a bit rough with the relationships that continue to strive even when life turns them upside down. Many of us have beliefs about love and romance which actually prevents us from making intelligent choices when it comes to love. Love myths, we call it. Let's take a look at the three deadliest ones and set it straight.

Myth #1 - True romantic love conquers all.

As long as you're in love, you can get through anything in life. Having this belief prevents you from dealing with real relationship problems. You will end up beating yourself up emotionally whenever things do turn sour as you depend everything on this 'feeling' of love you have towards your partner.

Truth: Romance is not enough to make a relationship work. What will get you through the tough times are compatibility and commitment that you both share together. A good foundation and strength will make a marriage last. Romance is simply the icing on the cake that is already wonderfully delicious.

Myth #2 - You'll know true love at first sight.

True love doesn't happen in an instant. It is infatuation that hits you at first sight. Be careful. Confusing infatuation for true love can make you ignore the rest of the relationship. Not only that, you may also miss the chance for the real and lasting love.

Truth: True love happens after time has passed, after you have seen the good and the not so good parts about your partner and vice versa. It takes just a moment to experience infatuation or lust, but true love takes time. That is what makes love so much more special and rare, it simply does not happen that quickly.

Myth #3 - The perfect partner will fulfill you completely.

You need to be in a relationship in order to be happy and fulfilled within yourself. You need someone to fill a void within you and that person will be your perfect partner. There are two major dangerous things about this belief, is the fact that there is a 'perfect' partner and the fact that someone else can 'complete' you.

Truth: Your partner may fulfill many of your needs, but certainly not all of them. No one is or should be held responsible for making you feel complete. If you feel emotionally empty before you enter a relationship, you will feel just as empty once you are in it. Be happy with yourself and who you are first and foremost, before you enter any relationships.

Remember, that love is not a feeling you feel but it is a decision you make, which requires time and true commitment. So, now, let's talk about you. Do you really love the person you are with? Does your relationship defy these myths? And do you now know if whether or not you love each other truthfully? There's something to think about today.

The wounded self in many people has learned to use sex addictively - to get love, avoid pain, and feel safe.

This can create many problems in relationships and in society in general. A person acting from his or her wounded self who wants power and control may sexually abuse both children and adults. A person in a relationship operating from the wounded self, who has learned to use sex as a form of validation may be sexually demanding to the point that his or her partner feels used, controlled and invaded. The partner at the other end of an insecure and sexually demanding partner often finds himself or herself completely turned off sexually in the relationship.

I have often worked with women who have sex with a man, not because she feels great desire, but in the hopes of getting him to love her and stay in the relationship. Invariably, this backfires and she ends up feeling betrayed. Yet she has betrayed herself by using sex as a form of control.

Many people in relationships believe that the other person is responsible for his or her feelings, including taking care of sexual feelings. If you believe that it is your partner's "duty" to take care of your sexual needs, this can create a problem in relationships. Sex that comes from duty rather than love is not satisfying. When one partner complies and performs his or her "duty", the relationship may gradually erode to the point of falling apart. No one likes to feel used, especially sexually, so it is never advisable to have sex out of duty or to expect your partner to have sex out of duty.

Some people have a deep need to be held, a need for mothering.

Sometimes people sexualize this need and have sex in an effort to meet this need. This never works, as the inner child needs mothering, NOT sex. In fact, the inner child may feel violated when the wounded self uses sex to get affection.

Sex may temporarily take away feelings of stress, anxiety, loneliness, and aloneness, but it is very temporary. Just as the inner child will not feel loved if you used food, drugs or alcohol to avoid responsibility for your feelings, neither will your inner child feel loved when you use sex addictively.

Healthy sexually comes from love and intimacy between two people. People who love each other do not want the other person to have sex when it is not what he or she wants to do. People who are taking responsibility for their own feelings have sex for the joy and pleasure of expressing their love for each othe